Do You Keep Thinking That She Was The One For You?
You can do either of these two things.
Have you been in this situation before? A girl comes into your life, starts talking with you, initiates a relationship, and months later, you get attached.
You text her all day. You make her your first priority.
It feels so calmed and relaxed now, you feel like she is the one for you. And she is the one that you’ve been waiting for; she makes you complete.
Then, one day, she disappears like there was nothing between you two. You feel disastrous. Crushed. Weak. Screaming to yourself: she was the one for me. How could she do this to me?
Go back in time and run the flashback of those memories. See yourself for once before you met her or started the relationship? What do you see?
You were insecure, lost and confused, even though you acted as if it’s all sorted out.
When she started talking with you, complimented you for your behaviour or good looks or whatever or showed you sympathy for the traumas and struggles that you’ve dealt with, you felt validated.
You felt as if your presence matters to someone the most. Her words relieved you.
For the first time in your life, you felt romantically persued and there’s someone who understands you.
You have someone to share your feelings with.
You have someone to rely upon. And you have someone to talk to when you’re in need.
Just like a farmer in the hills plucking apples from the tree and smashing it in the basket one by one, you pour your feelings, validation and self-respect onto her.
Your own validation doesn’t come from you now, it comes from her when she texts you. If she doesn’t reply, you feel ignored.
You don’t feel respect when you look at yourself in the mirror because you know there are some patches in your face and your body is out of shape.
You feel validated and respected when she validates you for your behaviour or hairstyle or looks and tells you why she doesn’t care about any other things.
You feel unloved and unhappy when you’re with yourself but feel relaxed, calmed and fulfilled while kissing her and having sex with her.
So, the key to your happiness is not in your hands anymore. You gave it to her.
This is the part where it gets messier and awful than ever before. And this is the part where most guys (and even girls) suffer the most in the name of a feeling the literature has defined as LOVE.
As the feeling of being with her feels way better than anything in the world, and your sense of being and belonging comes from her, you don’t want to lose her.
Think of all those feelings you’ve attached with her: your pain. Your struggles. Your happiness. Your self-respect. Your pride. Your validation. Even your masculinity.
Losing her means losing all these feelings from your life at once. Swipeeeeeeee.
And your life becomes a complete hollow and an empty basket like a skeleton without its shelf.
As you’ve attached all your feelings with her, and her presence releases all these astonishing chemicals inside your body and brain, you think she’s the one.
Because it feels better being with her and spending time with her; cuddling with her and having sex with her.
Your soulmate, your better-half from previous life and who knows what narratives you’ve been running around your head that you’ve referenced from literature or pop culture.
And one day, when you both grow in life in your own distinct way consisting of your own identical personalities and interests parallel to each other that hardly signifies each other in some ways, it gets harder for both of you to live together.
Because holding hands together and a kiss on your neck is not what gives you or her a true sense of meaning.
And it just takes one awful moment for her to break the entire relationship.
You’re left with emptiness and confusion, locked inside the dark room, crying and thinking she was the one for me and I’ll never be able to feel the same again.
The one who’s been dumped feels more pain than the one who’s dumped just like the fighter who punches feels a little pain than the one who’s been punched.
What would you do now?
Your entire sense of belonging is gone, lost in a glimpse of an eye.
Will you ever be able to move on and heal?
Will you ever be able to feel the same again?
Oh, Yes, you can.
Listen. All these ideas of soulmates and she being the one for you comes from romantic movies, literature and TV shows.
It has nothing to do with real life. Trying to live that way only signifies you’re confused and refusing to move on.
Reminding yourself she was the one for you is emotional abuse.
The thing is, it was those feelings and validation that came from her which made you feel in a certain way, and when she’s gone, you’re confused.
Look around you. People change. Time changes. Circumstances change. And with all these, you’ll heal yourself too, only if you allow yourself to. So let me tell you something.
You’re in a situation where you can do either of these two things:
1 ) Live your life like this:
Go through this pain. Keep doing whatever you’re doing. And don’t focus on anything new. When memories of her fade away with time, you may come across someone else and attach your feelings and self-respect with her the same way you did before. In simple words, repeating the same old mistake.
2 ) You learn from this mistake:
You make goals for yourself. You find what you’re interested in. You engage yourself in your hobbies. And you set yourself on the path of self-improvement. So your sense of being and self-respect come from you. And your sense of being and validation is attached with you instead of being with the other person.
The choice is yours.
The former will lead you to a life full of miseries. In the later years of your life, you’ll envy yourself and the world.
You’ll turn yourself into an abusive person because of all these shits and traumas you’ve been dealt with.
However, the latter will make you an emotionally intelligent human being, who’s capable of bringing a difference in himself and the world. Self-reliant and self-fulfilled. Happy with himself.
And seeking a relationship as a companionship instead of attaching insecure feelings to just feel complete.
