5 Awful Things To Avoid When You’re Going Through a Breakup
#3 Playing the blaming game.
As I’ve been through this shit myself, I can pretty much be sure of the things holding you back from erasing the glimpse of those beautiful memories.
You went through a breakup. The intense feeling that feels as being punched in your face. Nothing feels better now. Nothing makes sense.
And no matter how hard you try, those beautiful images of your ex flashes in front of your eyes, making you jealous and envious of her final decision.
Sometimes, you remember her for no other reason than sitting alone or walking by the cafe where you two used to hang out. Other times, you remember her while browsing Instagram or Facebook when a relatable story appears in your newsfeed.
Here are those 5 awful things you must avoid when going through a breakup. It prevents you from being an awful person you never wanted yourself to be and helps you to heal.
1 ) Distracting yourself from the pain:
Believe me, no one wants to feel the pain. It’s awful. Heartbreaking. Painful. Disastrous. And, feels like your heart ripped apart and torn into pieces and fried in a pan by someone you loved and cared for the most.
So, as human nature, it’s obvious you avoid the pain. No one wants their heart to be fried in a pan. You distract yourself. You over work. You over exercise. Over eat. Over smoke. You over drink. Or, over indulge yourself in heartbreak songs, movies or TV shows.
It’s because you want to feel good. You want to feel awesome. You want to escape from the pain. But, avoiding the feelings of pain indicates you’re denying that you’re hurt or in severe pain and you’re trying to cope by overindulging yourself into numerous activities.
What’s even more awful, you know?
Starting a new relationship with someone and relying on them for your feelings because they just empatized with you and now you have someone to rely upon.
I’ve seen a dozen people do this. And that’s equally hell as well. By not allowing yourself to feel the pain and the hurt, you’re deluding yourself into an illusion that you’ve moved on. But, in reality, you make things even worse.
So, allow yourself to feel the pain. Don’t be afraid of it. Let it be there, it’s a part of being human. Feel it.
Feels like crying cause the whole world turned upside down as the promises were made, you lived up to it and the other person did not?
Okay, cry. Cry out louder. Feel the pain. Feel the hurt. Feel it. The pain won’t make you weak, it makes you stronger and helps you to heal.
2 ) Overindulging yourself in the pain:
This is the other side of the equation where some people overindulge themselves in the pain. Mostly, teenagers do this shit. And, some grown ups with a teenage mind do this as well.
You’re hurt. You’re in pain. You’re feeling awful. But, this does not define your day and what you’ll be.
It’s so hard for you to realize that overindulging yourself into the pain won’t let it go away the same way distracting yourself from the pain won’t do.
How long have you been in a relationship? 2 years? 3 years? 5 years? 6 years? Or, 8 years? I’ve seen marriages collapse in a glimpse of an eye. For some, that’s 20 or even 30 years of togetherness.
You talk about memories? Think about someone who went through a divorce, what memories do you think they have? Kids. Family. Festivals. Financial goals. All gone.
Do you think they overindulge?
No, not really. They realize something’s not working pretty well and it’s better to leave the string than tying it on your neck until your last breath.
They feel the pain. They feel hurt. They feel awful. And, they feel numb just like you. Sometimes, they may overindulge.
But, they don’t lock themselves inside their bedroom and play non-stop heartbreak songs, drinking or smoking endlessly, and taking a leave from their day job, staying there doing nothing.
They feel the pain, but they don’t overindulge to an extreme. If they do, they’re still a ternager.
Overindulging yourself into the pain makes you overthink. The logical side of your brain shuts off. And, sometimes it leads you to an awful activity you’ve never imagined. So, please stop. Feel the pain, but don’t overindulge.
3 ) Playing the blaming game:
There are two ways you may play this game. The first way is blaming your ex. Everyone does that. You call her toxic. An awful person. Bitch. And god knows what.
The second way is blaming yourself. While some influencers may scream at your face, “it’s your fault. Why did you trust her so much?” and so on, blaming yourself is not the right strategy for healing or moving on.
Only after years of blaming yourself and starting another relationship, you’ll realize that you’ve been through a shit and it’s harder for you to trust your partner the way you should.
Here’s what you just did.
You took the entire decision of one awful person and blamed it on the entire people of the opposite sex. Then, you put that blame on yourself. “I should not have trusted her. I’m an idiot.” This puts you in a traumatic situation, making you unable to heal.
You may feel as if you’ve moved on and nothing matters to you now, but the pain remains hidden inside your heart. You’re insecure and afraid. Stop playing the blaming game. Don’t blame her. Don’t blame yourself.
Acknowledge that it was a moment that’s gone. She had her things to do and you had yours. Things didn’t align together, and breakup was the only option remaining. So, it happened. One had to make a decision.
Even if your partner cheated you, don’t blame her. There’s no point in doing so. You’re justifying your points with logic, wasting your time and energy that hardly adds any value in your life.
Maybe a few things didn’t align with you or she’s just a player you were unaware of, let it be.
Don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame her. Don’t justify. She did what she was used to. Chasing the high. You do what you have to. And blaming is not what you have to do.
4 ) Not taking care of yourself:
Many people go through this shit once in their lifetime. Some go even more. I don’t know how many breakups you’ve been with, but you may have tried not taking care of yourself.
It’s a pop culture reference you got from social media and TV shows. It appears cool. Macho. Sigma. You become cold. Unemotional. Unattached. And, an awful person, seriously.
Late nights sleep. Eating disorder. Not studying well or preparing for your exams. Or, not being there at your day job. Disassociating yourself from friends and family. Cutting off your social life.
What does this even mean? You’re destroying yourself. You’re being cruel to yourself. For what? For one person. Ah! You seriously need a blow up in your head.
Acting as if you still love her doesn’t make you masculine. Healing does. Blaming her or yourself doesn’t make you macho. Acknowledging your shortcomings and insecurities and fixing them does. Not taking care of yourself doesn’t make you cool. Taking care of yourself and self-improvement does.
5 ) Trying to take a revenge:
What a good strategy it is, isn’t it? Someone leaves you and denies to be in your life anymore, so filled with ego and shame, you put all your energy in revenge.
How many times have you tried to stop your ex-school friend or ex-college friend to move to a new city or to go abroad for higher studies or insisted them to be with you forever?
None. You never forced it. Some friends are with you and some are not. That’s life. People go. You change. They change. Priorities change.
You started a relationship with someone who was unsure of her own identity and where the person will be or what her life would be like in coming years. The same was true for you. So, separation was an inevitable process in your relationship. Accept it, and move on.
You don’t need anything to prove. You don’t have to take revenge. Improve yourself and make yourself a better person, not because you need it to show it to someone, but for the betterment of yourself.
…..
At last, all I want to say is moving on from your ex is extremely painful and hard. Thinking you’ll forget her completely and nothing will be remembered is a lie. Don't live in this delusion.
This will never happen. At least, not for now, that’s not what the human brain is capable of as of 2023.
For the best, what will happen is that memories get blurred. The hugs. The kiss. The sex. The promises. The trust. The bond.
It remains somewhere at the back of your mind, somewhere in a storeroom. It won’t give you the same spark and feeling when remembered. It will reside. And it will feel good again.
But, at first, allow yourself to heal. Go through the process of pain.
